Sick Jokes 3: Insulting and offensive funny sick jokes...

Sick Jokes Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6

A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says "I must say, this is the cleanest pussy I've seen in ages."

"Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in 4 times a week."




A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt. "GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below. By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates. "HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there." "No I don't," she responds. "Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do." "No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek. No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there. "Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."




A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart. Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"

The lady looked at him and said "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves".




Two bums are walking along the side of a road early one morning, complaining about their empty stomachs. The night before they
had spent every dime they had on whiskey, so naturally they had no money for breakfast. By and by they come upon a flattened possum lying dead on the roadside. The first bum says to the second, "I'll split it with ya."

The second politely refuses, so the first bum eats the entire thing by himself. An hour or so later, as they are walking, the first bum starts turning green. He gags for a few minutes and then spews the possum remains all over the road.

The second bum smiles and says, "I knew if I waited long enough I'd get a hot meal."




The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother.

Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom.

"Kid's......there's good news and bad news."

"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"

"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"




These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. The says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"




Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."




A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"

She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets."




After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.

'£100' she replies

'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'

'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'

'But please help me.. I'm desperate... I have been at sea for many years.... I need a woman... any woman!'

The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.

'Well if you are that desperate... go to room 23 down the hallway.'

Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

'How do you want me luv?'

'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'

When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.

'Yuck, I ain't doing that'

'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies

'Ok' says the man and immediately she gets on all fours.

'Oh my god... you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick'

'Well there is one more way we can do this.'

'Is there?' he asks

'Yeah...' and she removes an eye from its socket. 'Stick your dick in there... go on!'

He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

'That was fantastic... how 'bout you?'

'Great... when will you be in town next?'

'In about 2-3 years time!'

'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'




A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".