People Jokes 3: Insulting and offensive funny jokes...

People Jokes Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

21

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess.

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man.

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?"

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"



22

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.

"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.

"No," one of the aliens responds. "It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."



23

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls?

I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS!"



24

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a time?' "

His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"

"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"

"He used to."

"What made him stop ?"

"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that ?'"

Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Squiffy. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,

You and I need to clean up,

Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

YOU AND I blah, blah, blah

blah, blah ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES, blah

blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!



25

A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well", says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set

up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure." "So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman. "Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown." "So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman. "Oh no," says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks. "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."



26

A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits.

He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral.

In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame."



27

Aunt Matillda lives in Dallas, Texas and is a very proper lady. During spring break her 10 year old nephew, Joey, from New York City came to visit. They took a walk through the streets of Dallas. As they were walking a bow-legged cowboy came by and Joey said, "S*#t! Look at his legs! What the hell is wrong with him?"

Aunt Matillda (shocked by his cursing) replied, "Now, Joey, back in New York City you might get by with talking like that but not here in Dallas! We have manners here and you will, too!"

They stopped at an ice cream shop and were sitting at a table when another bow-legged cowboy came by. Joey saw him and said, "Jesus Christ! There's another one!"

Well, that was all that Aunt Matillda could put up with. She decided to take Joey to the library to spend the day with her librarian friend, Miss Gertrude. Joey was to study Shakespeare all day in order to teach him the proper way to speak.

That night after the library had closed, Aunt Matillda and Joey were walking home. Sure enough, another bow-legged cowboy passed by. Aunt Matillda held her breath wondering what Joey would say.

Joey looked at the bow-legged cowboy then looked up at Aunt Matillda and said, "Behold! What manner of men are these? That carry their balls in parenthesis!"



28

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown. " The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's wrong with you? " In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me? " The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left

testicle, 3pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around."

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Then there was the moron who went to the drugstore to buy deodorant. "The ball type?" asked the clerk. "No," replied the moron, "the kind that goes under the arms."



29

Two coeds agreed to room together, neither knowing that the other was a lesbian. Unfortunately, due to a mix-up, there was only one bed in the room, and they were forced to share it. Lying there, her heart thumping in her chest, one of the girls snuggled close to the other and said, "Listen, I'll be frank—" "No," whispered the other girl, "let me be Frank. You can be Tom."



30

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

It was the first time Jeryl and Paul had gone out together, and the impatient girl was frustrated beyond words at how slowly Paul was driving. "Listen," she said at last, "I'll make a deal with you. Each time you speed up another ten miles an hour, I'll take off an article of clothing." Licking his lips, Paul put the pedal to the floor. At thirty miles an hour, she removed her blouse. At forty, off came her pants. At fifty, she slipped off her bra, and at sixty her panties. At that point, Paul's attention wasn't on the road, and he lost control of the car. The vehicle spun landed at the bottom, pinning all but Paul's legs beneath it. Squirming out, Jeryl grabbed one of Paul's shoes, which was the only article of clothing she could reach and, holding it in front of her vagina, hurried back to the road. There she flagged down the first person who came along, a trucker. "Sir," she said frantically, still trying to conceal herself with the shoe, "you've got to help me! My boyfriend is stuck!" "Lady," whistled the truck driver, "if he's in that deep, there ain't nothin' I can do t' help.