Little Johnny Jokes 5: Insulting and offensive little Johnny jokes...

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Little Johnny's browsing at a Victoria's Secret store when a saleslady asks him if he needs any help. Little Johnny replies, "Do these come in children's' sizes?" 



Little Johnny comes home with two black eyes one day and his Dad asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said Little Johnny. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my girlfriend when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was her golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?"

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to her, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' " 



Little Johnny starts necking with a pretty girl and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "No." He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, " you know how people shake up a Coke bottle and spray it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back, and he starts writhing and screaming in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!" 



An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Nine Months later, Little Johnny was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: Little Johnny was the ugliest, most pathetic baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." 



A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up: Little Johnny and a slightly older gorgeous blonde. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies Little Johnny, "just get that lion out of the way." 



Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Why do men die before their wives?" "They want to." 



Little Johnny takes a seat next to a pretty girl at a school dance. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment and says, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued girl says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The girl giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" Little Johnny explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." 



Bill's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on. As he's making the turn at nine, his friend Little Johnny comes running out of the clubhouse, "Bill, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?"

"Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it ricocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?"

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit . . ." 



A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turns the corner and finds little Johnny with a hammer smashing the daylights out of a bunch of ants. The kid is saying to himself, "I hate these damn ants...I hate these damn ants." The priest is taken back by the little boy's language and talks to him, saying that God doesn't make junk. "Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, then I will let you continue killing the ants."

The next afternoon, the priest is out again for his walk and comes upon little Johnny smashing ants again. The priest reminds him of the agreement that they made saying the boy agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless.

Little Johnny looks up with a devilish smile and says, "I do know three things that are totally worthless. The first is a penis on a priest, the second is boobs on a nun, and the third are these damn ants!" 



Little Johnny's next door neighbor went to see a psychiatrist. "The other day," the woman said, "I happened to see my daughter and the little boy next door both naked, examining each other's bodies."

"Well, that's not unusual," smiled the psychiatrist, "I wouldn't worry about something as normal as that."

"But I AM worried doctor." insisted the woman. "I don't think it's normal at all, and neither does my daughter's husband."