Bar Jokes 2: Insulting and offensive funny barroom jokes...

Bar Jokes Page: 1 2 3 4

4 out of 5 dentist do not recommend this
A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his brethren. Immediately one of the other salesmen accosted him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-bitch, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?" Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogshit. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like SHIT!!' I reply 'Yessir! EXACTLY what it is! Would you care to buy a toothbrush?' "


Lemon
There was a bartender who was convinced he was the strongest guy in town. He had a standing bet. He'd squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then pass the lemon to his customers and anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice would win $l,000.00 cash.

Many lemon squeezers had tried to beat the bartender (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody ever could.
One day a scrawny little man came into the bar and said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try squeezing your lemon." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, squeezed it dry and handed the wrinkled rind to the little man. The man clenched his fist around the lemon, squeezed - and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd roared, the bartender asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


Drinking Buddies
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hanger at JFK New York; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that will kinda give you a buzz." So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact, he feels great- NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!" The buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" He says, "No- that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing... "
"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"


Of corpse
A man walks into a bar that is trying sponsoring the ultimate off-the-wall politically incorrect contest--dwarf tossing is nothing compared to this! The contest is for the man who brings a wife or girlfriend with the smelliest pussy. Our hero walks up to the stage and tells the M.C. the contest is as good as over; in a minute he will bring in the smelliest pussy in the world! The M.C. says to go ahead and everyone gasps as the man drags in a huge, fat, bloated woman. "Look at her!" says the M.C., "She's so fat and bloated she can't even walk! My God her pussy stinks!" When she reaches the stage the M.C. is ready to concede the contest even before the man pulls up her skirt and drops her panties. When he does this the audience starts gagging and retching right and left! The M.C. hurriedly passes our man the prize money and says "You certainly won this hands down, but tell me: How on earth can you live with the smell of this woman's cunt?" "It's not really that hard. You kind of get used to it." says the winner"After all, she's been dead about two weeks now!"


5 Stages Of Drunkenness
Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING: This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH: This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cus you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF: You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE: This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words.


A severed drinking problem
Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest in here." His friends say, "Prove it." He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack! Off comes the hand. The second man walks to bar. Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes the arm. The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?" "NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."


Little Big Man
A guy 4'6" tall walks into a bar and orders a drink.then stands up and yells across the bar "Who is the baddest man in here?" This guy 6'4" stands up and says "I am." Well, the little guy goes over and whips the shit out of the big man and leaves. Next day same thing little man orders a drink and proceeds to whip the shit out of the baddest man in the bar and then leaves. This goes on for 2 weeks straight. Finally the bartender decides to do something so he buys a mean man-eating gorilla. Next day the little man comes in orders a drink says "Who's the baddest man here?" Bartender says "he's in the bathroom!" After 10 minutes of screaming and yelling the little guy comes out of the bathroom and tells the bartender "when the nigger wakes up tell him his fur coat is in the trash can!"


Four Polish Guys
A little guy was sitting next to a big guy in a bar, and said, "Hey, wanna hear a good Polock joke?"

The big guy frowned and answered, "I just happen to be Polish. You see those two big guys at that end of the bar? Polish. That mean lookin' son-of-a-bitch bartender, he's Polish too. Do you still want to tell your Polish joke?"

The little guy looked around and said, "Nope."

"What's the matter?" asked the big guy. "Are you afraid that we'll beat the shit out of you?"

The little guy looked up at him and said, "No, I just don't want to have to explain the punch line four times."


A pig's tale
Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, "Where's the bathroom?" The bartender points to the door and they rush in. One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. "Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?" says the bartender. "No thanks," the piggy slurs, "I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!" from D.J. in Detroit


Blowing the bagpipes
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off."